"First, let's kill all the lawyers."

If you want to search for the truth, start reading bumper stickers. You sure won't find it in the courts. A lawyer told me that the civil judicial system was not an effort to find justice, but was merely a system for conflict resolution.

Sad, but true. Once lawyers become involved, the "truth" of events or intentions is lost in legal maneuverings whose sole purpose is to obscure the facts, not reveal them. Lawyers are mercenaries. The side with the most money to expend on the battle has the best chance of winning, irrespective of the facts.

If the legal process is a battleground, then why not return to that ancient system for conflict resolution, Trial by Combat. Let's replace a battle of sophistry and guile with an honest contest of brawn and skill, and a prospect for God's intervention on the side of justice.

Here is how it would work: Each party would present its case to a panel of champions. A convincing argument, and a genuine injustice would result in a champion willing to fight for your cause. The antagonists would face off and fight until one party yields to the other. The contest would be held in the sort of steel wire cage commonly used by wrestlers. I call it CAGE COURT.

CAGE COURT has several advantages. First, it is quick. A conflict could be resolved in a matter of minutes instead of dragging through the courts for years.

Juries would be eliminated in civil cases, so normal people wouldn't have to waste so much time trying to figure out how to get out of jury duty.

CAGE COURT would provide jobs. Champions could be drawn from all of the college football players who didn't get an education, and didn't make it into the pros.

CAGE COURT would virtually eliminate frivolous lawsuits. Consider that the outcome results from one party getting beat so badly that they yield to the other. Even the winner could end up badly beaten, if the underdog got in a lucky series of punches. Therefore, you better feel a strong sense of principle before you sue someone. If your sense of outrage is not worth getting your bell rung, then consider the alleged injustice a learning experience and move on with life. However, if you feel your cause is just, you will get a sense of fulfillment from your chance to pound on the other guy, even if you ultimately lose. Well-trained champions will covertly step aside to afford you that opportunity.

CAGE COURT would improve the overall health of the nation, and reduce medical costs. Granted, a few people will be seriously injured in these battles. But overall, the system will encourage everyone to become physically fit through martial arts training, in case they are ever sued. Active, healthy people get sick less often, and people who are used to taking a few punches don't whine about every little imagined ache or pain.

The greatest advantage is that the nation could make money from CAGE COURT. Television rights could be sold to the highest bidder. Consider the viewer interest in the Jerry Springer show. Ordinary lawsuits alone would generate enough money for any required hospitalization for the combatants. Imagine how much the Goldman/Simpson civil case would have brought. A divorce case between Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson would retire the national debt.

Actually, the Goldman/Simpson case provides an excellent example of the superiority of CAGE COURT when compared to the present system. Ron Goldman felt he did not get justice in the criminal courts, so he sued to make OJ Simpson pay for the death of his son. Allegedly Goldman was driven by principle, not monetary gain. This is fortunate, because Simpson's lawyers hid most of his money, and Goldman's lawyers took most of what was recovered. Wouldn't Goldman have felt much better about taking the case to CAGE COURT? Sure, Simpson is an ex-football player, but he alleges that he has bad knees and arthritis. Goldman is a big guy, and looks like he is in pretty good shape. I am sure he could have inflicted some serious punishment on Simpson. Goldman would have gotten his retribution. And they probably would have beaten the crap out of each other, which would be true justice. The best part is that the fight would have occurred during prime time, so the nation would not have suffered so many lost work hours. Most likely, the fight would have been broadcast on pay-TV, so I wouldn't have been forced to watch it.

CAGE COURT would be effective in corporate cases, too. The fat cat CEOs would think twice before ripping off the average guy, when there is a possibility that the "average guy" is a 250 pound third degree black belt. Class action cases would be particularly effective. Corporate CEOs who intentionally ruin thousands of lives could potentially face thousands of irate victims, one after the other. The CEO will eventually decide that his welfare is better served by being a more responsible corporate citizen.

A similar argument works against all of the ACLU commies who will claim that some big SOB will use the threat of CAGE COURT to take advantage of the little guy. Right now, wimps like Bill Gates are using the courts to take advantage of the little guy, and also some pretty big corporations. Nobody has as much money as Microsoft, so Microsoft feels pretty confident that they can be as arrogant as they want. But no matter how much money you have, there is a natural limit to the size of any given brute. There are plenty brutes wandering around this world, so the champion the little guy can convince to fight for him will be just about as effective as the champion Microsoft can hire for millions of dollars. And I bet my mother could beat up Bill Gates.

CAGE COURT - It will put justice back into the judicial system.

~Pat Welch